Perfectly imperfect momma

Despite how my blog reads, the language at home as you can imagine is much different. When I became a mom one of the many adjustments and transitions I vowed to make had to do with child appropriate language.  I be damned if my kids first word was going to be fuck—regardless if it was mine favorite word or not.  Our home is “ugly words” free as Max and I like to call it. So you can imagine my shock when I heard Max call Eric a jerk!

Now, while the pre-mom part of me wanted to say ohhh come on you can do better than that! If you’re gonna get in trouble for calling dada something at least make it something good—The mom part stopped in mid conversation  and looked around the room wide eyed-  First at Max, then at Eric and lastly my mom—with a looked of what the fuck all over my face I asked did he just say (and then spelled it out as if he hadn’t really said it) J-E-R-K?  Yup Eric confirmed.  Grandma trying so disparately to keep from laughing just nodded her head yes. Where did he get that I asked?   We don’t talk like that. From school they said at the same time as if I was a complete idiot.

Max whom was still frozen in place looked up at me with a grin. Come here Max I said. Did you say Jerk? Yes he said. We don’t say Jerk ok. But why he asked? (love those but whys)  Because Jerk is an ugly word that can hurt feelings and we don’t use ugly words—got it? Got it he said and went back to playing.

Alright, I know what you’re thinking….Jerk?  Big deal at least he didn’t say shit in a crowded waiting room or damn it as we stood in the line at target. Yes, it could have been worse but I was still shocked as hell and hey, I’m not uppity I’ll be the first to admit when I hear someone else kid cuss I think it’s funny as hell….I mean really, you have this cute little miniature person say shit!! It’s fucking hilarious—-once again, when it’s someone else’s kid.  No I don’t think you, me or we are a parent fail if our kid does happen to let one slide out.   Max has said Damn it before and what did I do???  Well, I ran away. Yes, I ran because I was laughing so freaking hard I damn near peed on myself!  and the best part is he heard it from me. OK, OK, one little slip up in the whole three years—I think I’m doing pretty good, hell almost excellent.

One of the things I’ve taken great pleasure in lately is listening to Max speak when he is engaged in conversation with someone else or himself.  His vocabulary and sentence structure is amazing and it really clues you into just how much those little guys listen to every single thing that comes out of our mouths. Even when we think they aren’t listening—that’s exactly when they are.

The next day Eric, Max and I were on our way home from a restaurant when from the backseat I hear Max say, “Momma, I no say jerk. Jerk is an ugly word. I looked over at the cop—he was smiling.  That’s right I replied.  And I no say stupid!  Stupid is an ugly word too—Yes it is. And I no say Jerk, Jerk , Jerk, Jerk momma!!!

Max! No more ok. I know you don’t say jerk—no more! OOOOOKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYYYY momma!

Momma, yes Max?  I no say crap. Look at this crap!  I laughed. I couldn’t help it!  I knew exactly where it had come from. We had been watching hoarders several days earlier and yes, I said holy cow (a cover up for fuck a duck) look at all that crap!  Just so happens, the human recorder was sitting right next to me.

So here’s my advice to you..(which, yes I sure by this time you’re well aware of) watch out for those small, cute, human like, hidden recorders—they’ll get you every time!