What kind of handprints are you leaving? Isn’t funny how dirty hands always seem to gravitate towards white, clean walls. It’s kind of like our life really. We start out a clean slate–very much like a wall in a new house and then….well, you know what happens. Lately I’ve spared you the details and development of my mental health. And that’s only because I like you and didn’t want to be too much of a bore—that is until now.
I think it’s important to share—espcailly since maybe someone else dealing with similar things and not really have a clear understanding of whats going. I’ve been pulled off my antidepressant (you know the one that make me eat like a fucking crazy woman and gain about 15 lbs) they put me on Abilify. Know anything about it? Yeah, yeah other than the fact it’s an antisphocitic—got it people! I”ll need a few more weeks before I can tell what it’s really doing.
I’m alittle ball of angry if you want to know the truth—my anxiety is sky-high (perhaps from no antidepressant) Feels like I have a brick sitting on my chest. If I could just pick it up and throw it through the fucking wall I might feel a little better. Ever feel like that? Here’s the best part of depression/anxiety the fact that you know your life totally rocks and you have nothing to be anxious or depressed about–that always causes a struggle with myself. I have to constantly remind myself it’s not a feeling of ungratefulness–yet a chemical thing in which I have no control. I think about all the people who are struggling with sick children- watching them breathe through their last hours and I feel ashamed–once again remembering, it’s not something to feel ashamed of–the feelings are completely different and on two total different spectrums. Yet, still it’s something you think about.
Of course all of the above that you’ve just read plays a big part in my mothering. I’ve said it before, it makes it harder than it already is. I have to be more aware, more patient and shit I just don’t kow where to pull extra patience from. My sensors are extremely heightened. Yesterday and this is no joke max said hey momma 20 times in a five min period—No, I’m not joking. Momma I want milk, hey momma I want the movie dinosaur and the boy, hey momma I want a popcorn, hey momma I want to watch tv in your room, hey momma dada is looking at me!!!!!! Hey momma I wanna go outside, hey momma wook, wook, hey momma dada playing too hard, hey momma come play on the carpet with me, hey momma, hey momma-this happens to you right? It’s not just me. I walked out of the kitchen looked at the officer who was sitting on the coach and calmly said I’m going to give you five seconds to get up and handle some of his hey momma request before I blow!!! I guess he could see “crazy” in my eyes because he did.
Tonight as we were laying in bed max sat up, looked at me and said hey momma (I thought fuck if you say that one more time!!) yes Max? I’m a live. What? I said. I’m alive. I sat up and said well praise Jesus!!! (and I meant it-believe it or not yes, we are very religious around here) he said yes and Jesus loves me too. You know after you have those crazy moments were you feel like it’s all caving in and you just can’t make things stop or slow down so you can mentally , physically or emotionally catch up something wonderful like that comes out of their precious mouths. And of course you feel like the worse mom in the world. Why? Just because. Just because hours before you were so aggravated over what seems like nothing and because hours before you were counting down the hours, mins and seconds to bed time because it meant quite. I mean if I had a bad ass kid I could totally understand my count down, truth is he freakin’ rocks I also have to remember that this is me—I’ve always been high-strung, I’ve always had issues with anxiety and just because you become a mom doesn’t mean all those things that factor into your chemical make up or going to fade away—you just have to learn to wear them a little differently.
I’m learning and despite what it might sound like I think I just might be rockin’ it pretty well. I just hope I”m leaving the right kind of hand prints. I mean, I think I am-but I guess we never know for sure–at least not while we’re in the middle of painting our/ their white canvas with the hand prints we assume to be correct. In time just as with everything else it will show.
We did have two new additions to our bed tonight. Meet the monster trucks yes, that’s right he’s sleeping with monster trucks. I just went to check on him and he has managed to roll all the way from his side of the king size bed to mine—taking a few toys out in the process.
Happy Parenting y’all