It’s Monday. You know, that dreadful day that comes after the weekend has left us high and dry. Yeah, that one. I fucking hate Mondays.
This weekend the weather was magnificent so while the Officer was at work on Sunday I loaded up the Monster’s bike and took him to the park.
He thought he was big shit riding along side the big boys at the BMX park. My plan was to get him some outside time while also wearing him out for a mid afternoon nap. Only, there was no such luck for a nap. I’m afraid to admit that at 3, those glorious days are long gone. Why he takes a nap at school and wont take one at home is beyond me. I mean, doesn’t this kid know that momma needs her nap during the day- especially when she’s been sipping on vodka. These damn toddlers are on autopilot 24/7–no rest needed and that leaves us dragging ass and drinking coffee in times of desperation.
Thursday, Valentine’s Day I had an appointment with my shrink. It went well. (I also got some killer red converse tennis shoes from the Officer, but we’ll get back to the shrink appointment) For once when she asked me how thing were going I had something to say other than the usual, fine. She looked shocked, almost like she didn’t know what to do when I said, I was struggling a bit. At the request of yours truly (because I know more than she does) my Abilify dosage was increased. Hopefully this will ward off the terrible trouble I’ve been facing with every day task such as taking a shower, cleaning the house, going to work.
Don’t get me wrong I do all these things because well, I have no other option, but every day it’s a struggle. I’d rather sit on the couch in my pjs all day and stare off into space. My mood is flat and my expression is gone and it’s taking real effort on my part. I forced myself to go to the park on Sunday. Even with it being gorgeous outside my desire wasn’t to go, but to instead stay on the couch. I knew I couldn’t, I knew it wasn’t right to have my little Monster stuck in the house missing the great outdoors- feeling the sunlight and breeze on his skin. Once there I was glad I had pushed myself, I was glad I had fought the fight and won, I was glad to see him smile. There will be plenty of time to sit on the couch and do as I desire or the depression desires and stare into space. As for now, I will not allow it to win- I will not allow it to steal our precious time—plus, everyone knows toddlers are like little animals–you keep them caged up for too long and your going to regret the hell out of it.
To make matters that worse the Monster has been clingy lately when I drop him off at day-care. Nothing in his surrounds has changed. Same teachers, same routine, same friends. To my knowledge everything is the exact with the exception of departure reaction. Once I get him situated with this breakfast and kiss him good-bye he starts the whining, then the I want to hold you and the I want to go with you starts when five seconds prior he was fine. It makes for a tough departure when you have to walk out with your kid screaming behind you. We’ve all done it and it never seems to get any easier. No matter how old they are, it’s a helpless feeling when they scream and cry to go with you, a very helpless feeling.
At 3 1/2 tis the age for childhood fears to develop– as of late he’s become scared of the dark. Requesting lights be turned on before he’ll venture into a room- sure that makes sense, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s fearful of it. I mean shit, I’m almost 32 and still reach my arm through the door to turn a light on before stepping foot in. Every night once we’re settled into bed he tells me he’s scared. I always ask, what are you scared of? he’s response is always the same, the dark. Yes, I leave a light on to help with the fear- but even laying next to me he still needs that extra reassurance that everything, even in the dark will be ok.
It’s amazing how much a mother’s reassuring words can ease our common fears or anxieties. Still to this day when in situations I find stressful, my first call is always to my mom and that’s because I know she will always have the words to carry me through. We have one hell of an important job ladies. Digg your toes into the sand, brace yourself for the wind and enjoy the ride of this wave called motherhood.